By Rebekah Lyons
Growing up, I always considered myself an extrovert. I never declined an invitation or opportunity to hang with friends. If homework or studying for a test threatened to get in the way, I’d pull an all-nighter. College life suited me. There were late night hangs in the dorm, morning workouts with friends, and I made sure my friends and I had plans after each Saturday football game. I was enthusiastic about life, and the more the merrier was my modus operandi.
After graduation, things began to change. When I became a mom of toddlers, I craved alone time. Closing the door to the bathroom felt sacred. When those toddlers grew up and became teens, I’d linger in the car in the garage for a few moments after they went inside. This shift in me showed up in other ways as well. Instead of exercising in a noisy, crowded gym, I began to prefer morning workouts involving yoga and nature hikes. To make room for a longer pause of quiet at home, I set aside two days a week for running errands and meeting friends for lunch or coffee. On the mornings I wasn’t running around, I spent large swaths of time at home, sitting in the quiet.
I’ve flown a lot over the last five years, and on one flight, it hit me: The reason I enjoyed flying was that it offered me quiet and a chance to recharge. During a flight I could catch up on podcasts and talks; I could journal, read, and prep for what I would be speaking about later that night. When I arrived at the event, I was energized and ready to engage at full capacity for a long evening until everyone went home. I loved both the intense connection with people for long periods of time and the retreat to a silent hotel room.
What did that mean? Was I becoming an introvert?
Discovering just how much I loved less noisy spaces, I picked up Susan Cain’s book Quiet, in which she writes, “Introverts . . . may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family.” She was describing at least a part of me to a tee.
One day I was sharing with a friend how I don’t seem to fit into the introvert or extrovert box. Sure, I love a good party, but I also enjoy long mornings alone or one-on-one conversations. I told her about some research I’d stumbled across, how two-thirds of us don’t identify as introverts or extroverts. My friend asked me if I’d heard of the term ambivert. I had not. She explained that an ambivert is “a person whose personality has a balance of extrovert and introvert features,” and suggested that this definition better described me. Despite the oddness of the word, it aptly describes me. Give me extroversion without the hours of small-talk. Give me introversion without the cloistered cave.
We All Need Quiet
Whether we call ourselves extroverts, introverts, or ambiverts, all of us need quiet—times when we pause, reflect, and assess. In fact, this was a truth Jesus lived. He modeled quiet throughout his ministry. For instance, just after he was baptized, the Spirit of God led him into the wilderness for 40 days of quiet, and at the end of that season, he beat back the temptation of Satan and pushed into his public ministry. After many of his miracle-making moments, Jesus retreated into the mountains for solitude and prayer. On the night before the crucifixion, Jesus spent time in quiet reflection and prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane. Quiet was a part of his consistent routine—so how much more must we need it in our own lives? We would do well to understand that we are able to be our best selves when we are centered in a place of quiet rest.
But if you think getting quiet is easy, think again. You’ll have to fight the entire culture for it. The noise and distractions are endless in this digital age. Even if you clear out the distractions and create space for quiet, you’ll have to get comfortable with yourself—with being alone with your thoughts, failures, hopes, dreams, wounds, and longings. For some of us, quiet can be the scariest place to go. But when we go there, when we establish routines of quiet and protect them, incredible things happen for our emotional and mental health.
First, in the quiet we gain perspective. When the noise of our lives overwhelms us, we often misconstrue or lose track of reality. By creating space away from our busy realities, we can see more clearly what is happening and gain new energy to approach the challenges that have nested too close to home.
Second, the quiet helps us become more emotionally resilient and empathetic to others. A recent Forbes article noted, “Studies show the ability to tolerate alone time has been linked to increased happiness, better life satisfaction, and improved stress management.” Quiet helps us maintain a sense of calm, re-center, and become more fully who we were designed to be.
How Others Benefit from My Quiet
Being quiet doesn’t only benefit us. It helps us relate to others, too.
I incorporated intentional practices of quiet into my life, and as I did, I noticed improvements in the ways I interacted with the world. Quietness infused the way I related to others, enabled me to be a bearer of peace, love, and wisdom in in the midst of chaos. In fact, the more I pushed into the quiet, the more I was able to connect with the people in my life and become a better friend.
How?
The quiet taught me to listen again. As I did, I asked genuine questions of my friends. I stopped to connect with their hearts and hear their ache, and I learned how to extend empathy, pray for them, and be a better support. Quiet listening also taught me to discern. I began to hear what was not being said. I started to read between the lines, notice facial expressions, observe when the eyes shifted away if questions became too personal. Quiet discernment helped me see when someone was hurting, striving, or pushing too hard, and it led me to ask whether there was a need I could meet. Finally, quiet listening taught me to understand. It taught me how to keep from filling every empty space with words, taught me how to sit in quiet empathy for my spouse, friend, and children. Quiet listening kept me from assuming and overreacting in defense, things which only hurt those closest to us.
When we carve out space for the quiet, to retreat to a silent place to pray, journal, or read, we rest from the noisy distractions of our lives. This rest pulls us out of the anxiety and stress of the world, if only for a moment. When we create spaces of quiet with others, it allows us to take a break from offering solutions or unwanted advice and allows us to show empathy, love, and understanding.
Quiet—it provides a refuge for ourselves and others from this noisy world.
Adapted from Rhythms of Renewal: Trading Stress and Anxiety for a Life of Peace and Purpose by Rebekah Lyons. Click here to learn more about this title.
Daily struggles with anxiety and stress make it difficult to receive God’s peace. Rhythms of Renewal will help you trade your anxiety for the vibrant life you were meant to live through four profound rhythms: rest, restore, connect, and create. With encouraging stories and practical steps, Rebekah Lyons will help you begin an intentional, lifelong journey toward sustained emotional, relational, and spiritual health.
Rhythms of Renewal is your guide to daily rescue and a way forward into the peace your soul longs for.
As a society, we are in the throes of a collective panic attack. Anxiety and loneliness are on the rise, with 77% of our population experiencing physical symptoms of stress on a regular basis. We feel pressure chasing careers, security, and keeping up. We worry about health, politics, and many other complexities we can’t control. Eventually we find our minds spinning, trying to cope or manage a low hum of anxiety, unlike ever before.
But it doesn’t have to stay this way.
Rebekah draws from her own battle with depression and anxiety and shares a pathway to establish four life-giving rhythms that quiet inner chaos and make room for a flourishing life. By taking time to rest, restore, connect, and create, you will discover how to:
- Take charge of your emotional health and inspire your loved ones to do the same
- Overcome anxiety by establishing daily habits that keep you mentally and physically strong
- Find joy through restored relationships in your family and community
- Walk in confidence with the unique gifts you have to offer the world
Rebekah Lyons is a national speaker and bestselling author of You Are Free: Be Who You Already Are and Freefall to Fly: A Breathtaking Journey Toward a Life of Meaning. An old soul with a contemporary, honest voice, Rebekah reveals her own battles to overcome anxiety and depression—and invites others to discover and boldly pursue their God-given purpose. Alongside her husband, Gabe, Rebekah finds joy in raising four children, two of whom have Down syndrome. She wears her heart on her sleeve, a benefit to friends and readers alike. Her work has been featured on Good Morning America, CNN, Huffington Post, The Tennessean, Publisher’s Weekly, and more.
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