Not long ago, I read a
friend’s commentary about a heated topic on social media. It began as a
discussion between her and a gentleman I didn’t know. As an observer, it
appeared they both had valid points, though they were missing an opportunity to
connect. It didn’t seem so much that their views differed but that they were on
the same side and just couldn’t see past their own deeply held convictions.
Unfortunately, the
initially friendly discussion quickly turned into an emotionally driven
argument. As I read their comments back and forth, it seemed they both intended
to prove their points rather than reach a place of authentic compassion. I felt
it was a tragedy to see an intelligent conversation dissolve because of a lack
of charity and humility when it had so much potential to reach both parties in
mutual understanding.
Acknowledging the Dignity of the Other Person
Respectable dialogue is
impossible to achieve without recognizing the dignity of the other and their
intrinsic value as a reflection of God’s image. It also means accepting one’s
own limitations, of seeing that we are both human, both made of dust and earth,
and therefore neither of us has a right to claim the higher road.
If the beatitude of
peacemaking should begin with me, then I set aside my prejudices and
presumptions when engaging in difficult or painful conversations. I listen
first, with the heart open to truly accept another’s experience or opinion or
presentation of logic. I do this without cringing at their rage or even
refutation of my counterpoints. I sit with my discomfort and my own. This is
the beginning of ecumenism.
Entering Discussions With Self-Awareness
Everyone enters
relationships with the weight of their past. We all speak from our wounds. Some
of us have never been given the opportunity to form, hold, or express
ourselves. Others have been shamed by name-calling, oppression, or
intimidation. Such experiences shape the ways in which we engage in debate or even
lively banter. We must, therefore, learn how to recognize our personal triggers
before choosing to fuel or fan the flame of disagreement.
When we grow in
self-awareness, God is working on tenderizing our hearts so that we shed our
preconceptions and stereotypes of who we think people are. We can’t presume to
know what it is in another person’s heart or even what disordered thinking may
have led to disordered behavior. Instead, we can try to love through the
disorder and darkness. It is love alone that heals.
Speaking With Charity and Empathy
Charity implies strong
empathy. Both parties, before speaking, should do so from a place of openness
and humility. These days, moralists emphasize truth but exhibit little
compassion. Secularists focus on tolerance without the receptivity of hearing
truth. It is possible, by way of attunement (the psychological term for
aligning your internal state of thought and emotions with the other person’s).
This means both worldviews
should be heard, listened to, and validated. The people engaging in dialogue
should interact with respect and harmony in mind. This is not to say that
either will change his or her perspective, only that each can learn to connect
with someone quite different from them.
Connection and attunement
happen when both people truly desire Christian unity and are seeking that by
entering into honest conversation with one another. They want to find some
kernel of goodness in both the other person and his or her perspective.
God’s love operating in the Holy Spirit through us is what brings us to a spiritually mature ability to greet others who are different from us with the message, “I see you. I hear you. You are worthy of love.” This is the way in which we might begin to heal the chasms of pain that others have created, the way in which we can be modern missionaries of light, hope, and healing in an otherwise divisive world.
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Photo by Grant Whitty on Unsplash
