The Saintly Path to Overcoming Grief

For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their Shepherd,
and He will guide them to springs of living water;
and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

Revelation 7:17

If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one and you know that no one can take that person’s place, there are few words that can truly console you. Nevertheless, through God’s grace, the support of those who love you, and the passage of time, you will get through this period of sorrow. In the meantime, it may be of some consolation to know that many of the saints grieved like you. These saints, who knew God’s love in a wondrous way, nevertheless had to struggle with their own human feelings of grief.

Mary’s Grief

Mary suffered widowhood; we don’t know exactly when St. Joseph died, but, because of the perfect love they shared and because she knew the gates of Heaven weren’t yet open, it must have been a heart-wrenching experience for her. Some time after this, her Son left home to begin His public ministry.

An early event in Christ’s public life shows Mary’s perfect acceptance of God’s plan. At the wedding feast of Cana, Mary noticed that the wine was almost gone and brought this to the at­tention of Jesus, implying that He could solve this problem. Our Lord responded, “O woman, what have you to do with me? My hour has not yet come.” The unspoken message was “If I perform this first miracle, our privacy and our time together is over. Word will spread, and I will no longer belong entirely to you. Are you ready to make this sacrifice?” Mary understood what her Son was saying and gave her response to the servants: “Do whatever He tells you.”

She indicated her willingness to make this sacrifice — a sacrifice that ended, as she knew it would, with the Cross. In the words of the thirteenth-century hymn Stabat Mater, “Through her heart, His sorrow sharing, all His bitter anguish bearing, now the sword at length had passed” — the sword of sorrow, which, thirty-three years earlier, Simeon had foretold would pierce our Lady’s heart.

Saints Elizabeth Ann Seton & Elizabeth of Hungary

Although no grief could compare with Mary’s, many other saints drank deeply from the cup of sorrow. For instance, the first American-born saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton, was very happily mar­ried for eleven years, but then her husband’s business failed, and he contracted tuberculosis and soon died; moreover, because Eliz­abeth converted to Catholicism (she had been raised an Episcopa­lian), her family and many of her friends rejected her. The saint was able to persevere by relying on the Lord’s strength and by trusting in Scripture’s promise: “God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your strength.”

Another saint who experienced intense grief as a young widow of twenty was St. Elizabeth of Hungary, a princess whose husband died while taking part in a Crusade; it’s said that on being in­formed of her husband’s death, the saint cried, “The world is dead to me, and all that was pleasant in it,” and then ran through the castle shrieking hysterically. Like her American counterpart, Elizabeth Ann Seton, the Hungarian princess found no support from her relatives; her husband’s family resented her spending money on the poor, and — according to legend — her brother-in-law forced her and her children to leave the castle in the dead of winter. She, too, found the strength to bear her cross in the love of Christ, although it was very difficult at first.

Grief as a Beginning

Sometimes the death of a loved one — painful as it is — marks the beginning of a new stage of life in which our vocation is signif­icantly changed. For example, in the sixth century, St. Hormisdas was happily married, but after the death of his wife, he became a priest and was elected Pope in 514. (His son St. Silverius later be­came Pope himself.)

Grief can also be an impetus to a change of heart or a moral conversion. St. Bavo had been a wealthy but immoral landowner in the seventh century, but after his wife’s death, he repented of his sins and spent his life doing penance. (He once encountered a man whom he had sold into slavery years before; in reparation, Bavo had the man lead him in chains to the town prison.)

Coping with grief often requires us to look for new ways to be of service to God and neighbor. In the sixth century, St. Monegundis experienced overwhelming grief when her two daughters died. Because the grief was prolonged, the saint — in a moment of in­sight — feared she was becoming self-centered and in danger of neglecting her duties to God. Prayer suggested a remedy: with her husband’s permission, she devoted herself entirely to the Lord by shutting herself up in a simple cell and there living a life of pen­ance and solitude.

Bl. Teresa Grillo Michel used a different approach in the twen­tieth century. She married at age twenty-two, but fourteen years later, her husband died of sunstroke. Teresa went through a long period of profound grief; spiritual reading and the love and support of her family helped her recover. She began reaching out to others in need and eventually established a new religious order in Italy: the Congregation of the Little Sisters of Divine Providence.

Saintly Responses to Grief

The saints discovered a certain solace through service — that is, in responding to the needs of others, they found it easier to bear their own sorrows. It’s unwise (and often impossible) to begin something like this too soon after the death of a loved one, partic­ularly a spouse; grief must be acknowledged, and this takes time (for many people, a year or more). It’s also unwise for people to make major decisions while mourning. After they have worked through their grief, however, it’s often helpful for them to become involved in some form of service. This pleases God and allows Him to bless and sustain them in additional ways.

A healthy response to grief requires a willingness to trust in God and to move forward, one day at a time. Because God is the author of life, He not only is able to reunite us with our deceased loved ones in the joy of His kingdom, but also to help us find pur­pose and value in life — even in the midst of intense grief.

Death can cause great pain and sorrow, not necessarily for the one dying, but for the loved ones left behind. Nevertheless, our Christian Faith teaches us that our grief and separation from the ones we love need only be temporary. This was the theme of a letter written by St. Aloysius Gonzaga to his mother shortly before he died from the plague at the age of twenty-three: “Our parting will not be for long; we shall see each other again in Heaven; we shall be united with our Savior; there we shall praise Him with heart and soul, sing of His mercies forever, and enjoy eternal happiness. When He takes away what He once lent us, His pur­pose is to store our treasure elsewhere more safely and bestow on us those very blessings that we ourselves would most choose to have.”

This is indeed part of the Good News: death and sorrow do in­deed exist, but for those who have faith in Jesus, they shall be re­placed by everlasting life and joy.

For Further Reflection

“Let your understanding strengthen your patience. In serenity look forward to the joy that follows sadness.” — St. Peter Damian

“Upon the death of family members, instead of wasting time in pointless tears, let us use it to pray for their souls and offer up to Jesus Christ the pain we feel at having lost them.” — St. Alphonsus Liguori

[To a woman whose son had died]: “When you commend your child to the Divine Majesty, simply say to Him, ‘Lord, I com­mend to You the offspring of my womb, yes, but even more truly the child sprung from the depths of Your mercy; born of my blood, true, but reborn from Yours.’ And leave it at that.” — St. Francis de Sales

Something You Might Try

Don’t try to bear all your grief alone; accept offers of help from loved ones and, when you’re ready, invitations from friends and acquaintances. Don’t be afraid to seek help when sorrow and loneliness become too much to bear. God wants and expects us to be present to one another at such times. Almost every community has some sort of support group for the grieving; your parish (or lo­cal funeral home) can provide you with such information, along with helpful pamphlets and other materials on grieving. To grieve is necessary; to bear such a burden alone when help is available usually isn’t healthy or wise.

Learn to thank God even in your grief. On her deathbed, St. Bartholomea Capitanio, although only in her twenties, consoled her mother by saying, “You know that everyone has to die. If I were to live forty more years, I would still have to die. This is the moment when God in His mercy wills to receive me into Paradise. Do not be saddened by my death, but instead thank God!”

It’s pos­sible to thank God as you grieve, and your prayers for your de­ceased loved ones can be a source of consolation. If it helps, talk to your deceased loved ones (something many people do in cemeter­ies), or write them a letter, or imagine them perfectly glorious and happy in God’s presence.

Finally, remember this: your separation is temporary, but, through Christ, the love that you shared will last forever.

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Editor’s note: This article is adapted from a chapter in Fr. Esper’s Saintly Solutions to Life’s Common Problems. It is available as an ebook or paperback from your local Catholic bookstore or online through Sophia Institute Press.