When I stood at the altar and said “I do,” never would I have imagined that I was also saying yes to infertility and miscarriage, loss and grief.
Miscarriage wasn’t even on my radar. It was never talked about in our marriage prep classes, our pre-cana retreat, or in the wedding plans. I had no idea that one in four women miscarry or that one in five women will struggle to conceive. No one ever told me how difficult it would be on my marriage or the immense pain it would leave in my heart—or that couples who experience infertility are three times more likely to divorce, and those who suffer a miscarriage are 22% more likely.
Now here we were, celebrating our eighth wedding anniversary and grieving the loss of our fifth baby to miscarriage. Our arms were empty, and our hearts were grieving for that which we both longed so much—each of us grieving in our own way, while still trying to navigate life together in the first years of marriage. At times, we wondered how we would make it through the suffering. We wondered what God’s plan could possibly be for us.
Unfortunately, the loss of a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss is all too common. Our pews are filled with couples who have suffered this type of loss and are now faced with carrying its painful cross. It comes unexpectedly, and nobody is ever prepared. However, through our experiences, my husband and I have discovered a few practical things that couples can do to help heal their brokenness.
Name your baby. No matter how short or brief of a time your baby was with you, they are a unique creation made in the image of God. An irreplaceable life, never to be repeated again in human history. Although they may not be physically with us, we believe they are with their Creator in heaven. By naming the baby, we acknowledge their existence and life. Even if you are unsure of the baby’s gender, choose something meaningful to you. Your little one is now with our Heavenly Father, gazing upon His glory, so call upon them by name to intercede for you and your family.
Honor their life. Many people don’t realize that they can have a burial service for their baby, no matter how young the life was. There are beautiful ministries that help provide the means to provide a proper burial, such as Heaven’s Gain and Held in Hope. Call your priest and ask for a funeral service. If it is not possible because of the circumstance or perhaps time has passed, ask for the Blessing of Parents after Miscarriage or Stillbirth or the Order for the Naming and Commendation of the Infant Who Died before Birth.
Pray together. Although your heart is in pain, and though it may feel like God has abandoned you in your grief, turn your heart to Him. As you wrestle with frustration and disappointment, letting go of the dreams you had for this little one, allow God in. It may be hard to formulate the words in prayer, but turn to the prayers you know well. Pray with your spouse and ask them to pray for you. Sit in adoration and say nothing at all. Go on a silent retreat, and allow God to speak to your heart. Make a pilgrimage with your spouse to a holy shrine. When it all seems too difficult, ask people to pray for you.
Remember their life. As time passes, our hearts never forget the children who are not here on earth with us. There may be other children that follow, but the ones we lost will always remain a part of our family. Don’t be afraid to share the life of your baby with your other children, talking about their siblings in heaven and having pictures displayed in your house if possible. Do something to remember your baby on the anniversary of their passing. It could be as simple as a bouquet of flowers or even a balloon release with your family.
Take time for each other. Men and women grieve so differently, often causing the feeling of isolation when it seems the other spouse is not understood. While it can be difficult to do, allow each other the space to grieve in their own time. Use this time to grow in closer relationship with your spouse. Make a concerted effort to talk through the emotions, coming to a deeper understanding of where each of you are at and what your needs are. At times it may seem easier to isolate from your spouse, but make an effort to spend time with them. Carving out moments in your marriage where you can share together and make efforts to communicate—anything from quiet nights in to a weekend away.
Seek professional help. There often can be much shame and guilt associated with pregnancy loss. At times the grief can even be paralyzing. Be patient with yourself and recognize your needs, both physically and mentally. Don’t be afraid to seek out the guidance of a spiritual director, counselor, or life coach. Find trusted physicians, who adhere to Catholic teaching, that can help you work through possible fertility issues through follow up appointments, bloodwork, etc.
The burden is heavy, and the pain is real, but God wants to bring healing into your heart and into your marriage. You are not alone in your suffering; His loving hand will comfort you.
Authors Note: This article is based on a new book co-authored by Cassie Everts, entitled Nursery of Heaven: Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss in the Lives of the Saints and Today’s Parents (Sophia Institute Press, August 2024).
Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash
