For twenty-five years the Lord has sent me people who are wounded and broken. All of them had been abused in some way—with the exception of my time serving grieving family members as a 9/11 relief worker. Each of these people He sent me needed to be restored. They needed to be shown that they were made for love, by Love, and that they are worthy of being loved.
One of the biggest wounds that needed to be healed was the profound shame each one carried. This shame came in multiple forms and could only be healed through the shameless love of Christ Crucified.
When we think of shame, we usually think of the type experienced when we commit a sin. This is a particular form of shame, but it is not the only form. For those who have experienced abuse or rejection, a very deep-seated shame sets in. The depth is amplified by the enemy’s spiritual attacks on abuse victims. Lies are planted deep within these individuals.
This shame is two-sided. First is the shame from being abused. The shame from being abused strikes deep into the identity of a person regardless of the type of abuse. Individuals begin to believe lies they are told about themselves—that they are unlovable, damaged, evil, impure, etc. This form of shame distorts the person’s view of self, which can lead to patterns of sin and flight from God. They do not believe that God could ever love them. These lies require immense healing through prayer, the sacraments, counseling, and healing sessions.
The second form is the shame that is experienced from loving the people who hurt us. When we love someone who abuses or rejects us, we feel duped or ashamed for having loved them. The enemy convinces us that we are stupid for loving this person. Even in abusive situations—especially within families—the person who is abused loves the abuser because they are connected to them through familial bonds. This love and connection is natural in itself, but it becomes confusing and shame ridden when abuse enters the picture.
It is the latter form of shame that I prayed about during a recent holy hour. When I minister to afflicted people, my own wounds open. During this time in prayer it was my own shame that came up. Not shame from an abusive situation, but the shame I have experienced from loving people who have rejected me. Rejection—which is also very prevalent among abuse victims—unleashes shame within us. We can question our identity and goodness. We believe lies that we are unlovable because people chose to reject us. We struggle to separate ourselves or our relationship with God from the sins, weaknesses, indifferences, or wounds of other people.
The Lord seeks to release us from all forms of shame. This particular form of shame—resulting from rejection—has a very clear answer from Christ Crucified on the Cross. His love is total, self-emptying, and shameless. He hangs naked, scourged, crowned with thorns, and pierced for our sake. He takes on all our sin and woundedness. He embraces the shame sin causes us, but also the shame other peoples’ sins cause us. He shows us the answer. He endures rejection and loves anyway.
We should never be ashamed of loving others. We are called to love others. Our culture tells us to hate those who hurt us, but the Lord shows us a more perfect way.
But to you who hear I say, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. To the person who strikes you on one cheek, offer the other one as well, and from the person who takes your cloak, do not withhold even your tunic. Give to everyone who asks of you, and from the one who takes what is yours do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you. For if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do the same. If you lend money to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit [is] that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, and get back the same amount. But rather, love your enemies and do good to them, and lend expecting nothing back; then your reward will be great and you will be children of the Most High, for he himself is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as [also] your Father is merciful. (Luke 6:27-36)
The enemy wants us to hate or be ashamed when we love those who abuse or reject us. This is one of the ways he keeps us enslaved. The Lord desires our total freedom. Total freedom comes when we are able to love in the same manner as Him. When we can love shamelessly then we are able to give to those who abuse, reject, betray, or persecute us.
The saints who loved their captors or who died as martyrs were able to love with the same freedom as Christ. They cast away the lies of the enemy who told them to hate. They ignored the mobs condemning them as worthless or idiotic for loving in this way. They kept their gaze fixed on Christ on the Cross.
There is no shame in loving people who wound us or abuse us. We are called by Christ to love in this way. He calls us to this high form of love because this form of shame is often intermixed with wrath and hatred—poisons that leads us to hell.
One of the most powerful tools the enemy has at his disposal is our unforgiveness. He will keep us enslaved in cycles of hatred, wrath, shame, and unforgiveness as long as possible because these are glimpses of hell. If he can keep us there our whole lives, he very well may drag us to hell.
The Lord’s most excellent way is the path of forgiveness and self-emptying love. It is to learn how to love free of shame. Abusive relationships may never be healed in this life, but victims of abuse can find freedom in the shameless and unconditional love of Christ Crucified. They can love their abusers by praying and sacrificing for their conversion.
St. Maria Goretti is a powerful intercessor for those who need to forgive an abuser. She forgave her murderer, and through her heavenly witness, he underwent a powerful conversion. If we love as Christ loves, then we can never desire that someone be condemned to hell.
Dealing with abuse or broken relationships comes with powerful emotions—and almost always a whole host of lies. We must take these lies to the Lord in prayer. One of the best places to do so is at Adoration either during periods of exposition or simply before our reposed Lord in the Tabernacle. He waits to heal our brokenness and shame. He wants to make us whole. He wants to give us the grace and strength to love as He loves on the Cross. He will take away all forms of shame and restore us in His grace to the heights of love we are called to. We should never be ashamed of loving others because in doing so we resemble Christ Crucified.
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