Editor’s Note: This is part two of three in a series from Rob Marco’s interview with Leila Lawler.
In this series installment, we hear Leila Lawler’s advice on managing household finances despite the challenges we face.
Have you been hearing from other wives and mothers about the impact inflation has been having on household budgets? Is this a matter of ‘trimming the (budgetary) fat,’ or are people finding they cannot make it on one income and are, perhaps, financing with debt to plug the hole?
Leila Marie Lawler: There is no doubt that the cost of living is crushing. The alternatives are to get another income, to go into debt, or to live on less. I think the husband can get a second job or find a better paying one, and will, if he knows it’s on him to do so. I realize some families just fall on hard times and have experienced that myself (contrary to what some assume about me), but I also think that today, many men are emasculated by the thought that their wives will make up the difference, allowing them to maintain a comfortable lifestyle.
When the family is intentionally structured to avoid relying on two incomes, often the wife finds clever ways to support the main income and to save money. Having her home offers the mental space required to figure out how to live on less; when both work, sheer exhaustion takes its toll on everything—a toll that only becomes apparent later, when energy is lower, or sooner, when something unforeseen happens.
You have a garden, bake bread, and highlight other creative ways to stretch a dollar on your blog. Anything you want to highlight for the readers here that has benefited your family in terms of being a “Proverbs 31” wife?
Leila Marie Lawler: I would only aspire in my dreams and prayers to be the wife of Proverbs. Note that the whole context of her noble efforts is the magnification of her husband’s domain. She is above all, prudent. I do think a lot about frugality—along with living in an open-handed and generous way. It’s good to be content with what we have. The mother who doesn’t work has time and energy to make the most of things and to be creative as well.
You mention baking bread—it’s romantic, but it’s also way, way cheaper. I cannot believe the price of bread! I could spend most of our food budget on bread and snacks and still not have anything near as tasty or good for us as what I bake.
We have gone without, and I encourage people to think about how to do it. You’d be surprised at the things you don’t need. “Use up, wear out, make do, do without” is a good motto to have.
I’m lucky to have friends who are smart about this too, and we’ve had decades of conversations about the radical fruitfulness of living this way! I’ve tried to pass along what I’ve learned on the blog and in my book The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life. As Chesterton says, “Thrift is the really romantic thing; economy is more romantic than extravagance…But the thing is true; economy, properly understood, is the more poetic.”
What does financial stress do to a marriage?
Leila Marie Lawler: The most important thing is for the couple to be united. “We’re in this together!” is their rallying cry. We have to remember that our vows include “for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer.” We have to examine very honestly the comparisons we make between the way we live and the way we perceive others’ lives. We have to avoid envy and rely on God.
Do you advocate for one person being “in charge” of the finances (paying bills, budgeting, etc.) based on strengths or sex?
Leila Marie Lawler: The husband, as the head of the family, should have the big picture of the finances. It might happen that the wife is naturally more a numbers person or has more time, and it also might happen, as my husband and I experienced, that he has trouble saying no to her on a given expenditure that she might suggest out of general ignorance of budget concerns! In that case, she has to take care of the bills, so she knows when she has to say no to herself!
There can be exceptions, but in general, the husband is less emotional about bill paying and budgeting, and the wife can be excessively burdened by the whole process. The husband’s male steadiness allows him to be able to assess their situation realistically if he is in charge, even if he delegates the monthly task to her.
I realize this strikes some as politically incorrect, but each sex has its own perfections. Why not work with them? I don’t think it’s up to any outsider to say who should actually pay the bills, but the husband should have the overall picture and act accordingly to guide his family in the right direction.
They must also hold their money in common. Naturally, there will be accounting niceties. As the person who spends money on groceries and clothing and other household items, the wife might find it useful to have her own account. But everything should be joint and/or transparent. There should never be any hint of “it’s my money, and I can do what I want”—this attitude is corroding to their unity.
The young married couple should start out by discussing everything: what sort of home, furnishings, car, and so on, but in the context of dreams and ways to achieve them realistically. It’s easier to forego an immediate desire if it’s for the sake of a worthy aim. Good conversations with friends help as well.
I think the main issue about money is the assumptions brought to the marriage from the families of origin. So much is taken for granted but might be incompatible. Better to discuss everything with a sense of adventure right from the start, with the attitude of caring for each other and with the enjoyment of setting new patterns that express the new union.
I don’t know if you have ever read Fr. Thomas Dubay’s Happy Are You Poor. He challenges Americans who recoil at the idea of frugality or “Gospel simplicity.” What are the benefits to living within one’s means and purposeful frugality as an expression of one’s Christian faith?
Leila Marie Lawler: I haven’t read that book, but I understand the premise. It’s natural to man to wish to prosper and to work hard for his family. The family isn’t living the evangelical counsels the way those in religious life are, but every Christian ought to be detached from the world.
When the mother at home is not bound to some outside claim such as a boss or job or algorithm, the members can keep in mind what is important and act according to criteria other than maximizing income. We’ve forgotten what it means to have a person in each household who doesn’t come with a paycheck, with all the entanglements that entails, and what that means for how we look at the world.
Even children are affected by this mentality, which amounts to utilitarianism. Their little lives are ordered to their future success as wage earners. These days I wonder if they ever just have the feeling of complete freedom we had, say at the end of school with the whole summer in front of them. I have heard even homeschooling families talking about needing to do school in summer because certain goals weren’t met and so on. They are children! I can assure you that we all got good educations without summer school…
What is the role of tithing/charitable giving for the Catholic family that may just be getting by and any spiritual benefits that may come from it? How can one be discerning and prudent in where they direct their giving to those in need?
Leila Marie Lawler: We have to help each other. My husband and I always try to give our little bit to those who have less than we do—it always astonishes us to hear that someone has given another million-dollar donation to Harvard! So strange…what is the point?
Let’s never forget the Gospel widow and her mite. Charity isn’t easy to track. The poorest among us often are the family trying to make a go of it, being open to life, welcoming little babies, and not being a burden on society. We’ve been in the position where having someone give us an old car means a lot. On the other hand, it’s not easy to help people—one characteristic of the poor is that they aren’t necessarily the most prudent.
Something people have almost forgotten is the charitable net cast by the family that takes time to develop—those who are lonely and all but forgotten are helped most by a family that has the expansiveness to welcome them. The traditional Catholic way is to have active orders of religious who take care of the poor and the needy, as well as good families that support those orders, by supplying their numbers and finances, and that support each other.
We often lament the way our elderly are shuffled off, yet we fail to make the connection between that sad fact and the dearth of mothers at home to care for them. How many fathers of the past sacrificed by working even harder, so that their wives could help their own parents?
Conclusion: Author Commentary
There is a reason why marriage is referred to as the building block of society; society is built on families. When everything is economically stacked against the family, people make conscious decisions to forgo the sacrifices and responsibilities of having more children. This has a “domino” effect, the consequences of which are just starting to be realized. As Mrs. Lawler notes, we must help each other. But we also must act as “one flesh” in creatively addressing the economic challenges of raising a faithful Catholic family in this culture, and what that looks like.
In the upcoming Part 3 of this series, Mrs. Lawler and I discuss the role of higher education and the trades, as well as the devastating effect of divorce on the family in today’s society.
Photo by micheile henderson on Unsplash
