“How are you doing?”
people ask me. It’s a common question that precedes an equally common response:
“Fine.” For me, the answer is always complicated. How most of us are really
doing is the opposite of fine. Those of us who are mothers, especially of young
children, share an unspoken understanding that we almost always feel beyond
overwhelmed – drowning, suffocating, defeated.
These are not
exaggerations. Over the course of six months’ time, I’ve shared many a
conversation with other moms of young children, who have used these words to
explain how terribly they are struggling to raise a family these days. I share their
sentiments and tell them so. But the question that has been nagging me is, what
are the main reasons moms feel isolated and alone as they attempt to take care
of their children?
The answer, of course,
varies as much as the responses to the question, “How are you doing?”
Challenges to the Modern Family
“Be a person who listens
to what people need, communicating not only to grieve or tell others about your
own problems. Listen in order to intercede and help out.” – Pope Francis
Although there are myriad
reasons, some individual, that contribute to the difficulty of raising a family
in our modern culture, here are five that I’ve personally experienced. My hope
is that these will provide at least a foundational understanding of the
challenges we face, followed in the next section by how we can rebuild a sense
of community.
Lack of familial
support
Families no longer live in
close proximity as they once did one fifty-plus years ago. Globalization has
its advantages, but when one is raising a family, the bad clearly outweighs the
good. We live fifteen hundred miles away from my in-laws, which makes it
impossible to have the necessary help in caring for infants, toddlers, and a
daughter with special needs. The individualistic mindset of Americans only contributes
to the reality that, even if extended family lives within reasonable driving
distance, they have their own lives and are a) too busy or b) too selfish to
help.
Societal perspectives
After our fourth child was
born, I noticed something striking. It was unspoken, yet understood almost
everywhere I went: the “perfect” family is comprised of four people, usually a
mom, dad, boy, and girl. On the rare occasion we ate dinner out, the family
meal deals included four of everything: drinks, main course, and a side dish.
Ditto for trying to find a larger vehicle than the Dodge Caravan we owned that
barely held enough room for three carseats.
Unfortunately, most
members of society believe that children are either a burden or commodity and
that smaller families are ideal. When you and your spouse become outnumbered by
your children, you face major hurdles in finding simple solutions to problems,
two mentioned above.
Emotional labor
We’ve all heard of
physical, or manual labor, but the concept of emotional labor is a newer one.
It is the idea that one head of the household (usually mom) bears the brunt of
caregiving and managing calendars, schedules, arranging babysitters, etc. In a
business sense, emotional labor is related to balancing emotions in order to
fulfill a specific task.
Women, being considered
the heart of the home, are often naturally expected to carry most, if not all,
of the emotional labor of the family, and this invisible burden contributes to
the difficulty of raising children.
Division of
responsibility
Before Ben and I married,
we discussed our expectations of how chores around the house would be divided.
Both of us were raised in very traditional families, in which our dads dealt
with yardwork and tinkering with broken doorknobs or other fix-it projects, and
our moms cooked, cleaned, and ran errands. We agreed to divvy responsibilities
according to talent rather than traditional male/female roles, which is why I
am in charge of the family budget and pay the bills.
Sometimes, especially when
a mom works outside the home, she is still expected to pick up the kids from
school, take the dog to the vet, do the laundry, grocery shop, cook, and scrub
toilets. Wouldn’t it be easier for spouses to share responsibilities in the
home?
Excessive busyness
By and large, families
feel isolated from others, because everyone is busy. Everyone. We are
overinvolved at church, volunteer for various groups in our kids’ schools or
extracurriculars, work full time, and then crash at the end of the day. When we
have any down time, we are usually plugged in to our technology, so few of us
thoughtfully consider who around us might need our help or benefit from a
visit, a handwritten card, or a homecooked meal.
Reclaiming Our Sense of Community
“Community is first of all
a quality of the heart. It grows from the spiritual knowledge that we are alive
not for ourselves but for one another.” – Henri Nouwen
Community is the essence
of what it means to be a practicing Christian – to welcome the stranger, feed
the poor, care for the widow and orphan. In our situation raising a medically
complicated child, the simple touches of the heart are what have made the most
significant difference in lowering our sense of isolation, loneliness, and
burnout: meals following Sarah’s surgeries; gift cards to supplement fuel used
while driving to the hospital; care packages with books and healthy snacks;
offers for free babysitting or house cleaning.
Above all, the personal
visits from neighbors and friends have been the greatest gifts. For families,
especially those of us who have unique circumstances (like children with
disabilities or many children), to feel loved by neighbors and church, our
relationship with God must first be strengthened so that we are more aware of
what we have to share with others. Community begins with cognizance of other
people’s suffering, which is often borne from a deep prayer life.
When we each listen to the
promptings in our hearts, we notice things and people around us more keenly,
and we respond in only one way: to love them, to perhaps suffer for and with
them.
